remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Randomize
