you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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