i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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