once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
that is very illegal...i love you.
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