I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
