I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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