I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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