hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Randomize
