You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
