True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
