The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Randomize
