I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
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