I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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