so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
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