I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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