just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
