WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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