No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
