It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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