I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
