i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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