You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
