the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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