PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
