i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
