I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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