after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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