walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
