I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Im part way to drunk.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
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