i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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