I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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