dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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