Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
