Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
