Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize