She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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