just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
