Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
