I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
FUCK WHALES
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
