so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
