OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Randomize
