you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
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