From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
