How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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