someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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