Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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