Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
