I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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