On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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