God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Randomize
