Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
