Kareoke will never be a sober sport
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize