Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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