I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
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