I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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