Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
