I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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