When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize